Vampires aren’t real.

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Vampires aren’t real.

April 27, 2020 | Humour | 2 Comments

Who can take vampires seriously? Think about the mechanics of it all for a moment. There they are, with staring intensity, mesmerizing their prey into feverish delight. In moments, the victims are panting to sacrifice their own life-blood.
Okay, presumably they can’t resist. The vampire is too powerful–yada, yada, yada.
But lets look at the stats. Vampire A sucks the blood out of Citizen A. Now Citizen A becomes Unholy Night-creature B. Vampire B goes on to Citizen C (not Citizen B, because Vampire A has to go out and get another victim on the second night too. So, we have VA (vampire A) going after CA(Citizen A) on night one (N-1), who then becomes Vampire B (VB) on Night-2, (N-2). VB goes after CC on N-2, while VA goes for CB on N2, who then becomes VC. The next night it gets even worse. VA gets CD, VB goes for CE, and VC attacks CF. In three nights alone, we have 3 vampires and 6 dead bodies, if the math is correct. I don’t want to carry the analysis to the fourth night, not only because 3 nights is confusing enough, but I’m sure Vampire D wouldn’t like his short form name at all. And all this from just one vampire!
Do you see where this is going?
Presumably, these dudes have been around for centuries, from ancient times. Woo-woo…cue creepy music here. How has the population of the earth increased if these terrors of the dark have been multiplying like bunnies all this time?
All right, let’s assume they don’t actually kill their victims. They suck their blood, but leave them alive. To…what, go and tell everybody? Oh, right, they have their brains wiped so there is no memory of the traumatic event.
So, no memory, no bite marks, no anemia? Wouldn’t someone, somewhere begin to put the pieces together? Wouldn’t some kind of pattern start to emerge?
See, this is where the whole thing breaks down for me. I admit my fascination with the subject has dominated my thinking lately. I keep scratching those two marks on my neck, and it’s got me thinking. Maybe they really are symmetrical mosquito bites. They’re starting to disappear, but they were huge!
And no, I have no remembrance of any weird thing happening to me on Friday night; I’ve been in bed with the flu since then. I haven’t been sleeping very well, either; I keep having these really strange dreams, about… never mind what about. I keep trying to remember more about Friday night, but it’s mostly a blank. It’s not like I was drunk–I didn’t drink that much at the party–honest! Only half a glass of wine and then I was feeling kind of woozy. Plenty of people were there, I remember that. A few guys tried to hit on me but none of them interested me in the least. Besides, the only guy that looked remotely interesting was The Cliché: tall, dark and handsome with the smouldering stare. But he never said a word to me! He only glanced at me once. I’m sure I never saw him again, but the rest of the evening is in a fog.
No, the whole vampire thing is ludicrous. No one could match the description the victim would have to fit in order for vampires to be real.
The End

About Author

about author

Lou Rider

Mary Lou lives in Central Alberta with her awesome husband Theo and their rescue-dog Sammy.